What If?
by charmedatmidnight
Summary: Sirius thinks late at night while Remus is away on a mission. Reviews and feedback always welcome. Enjoy!


It didn't used to be like this. There never used to be that doubt, that uncertainty. There was never a question of whether or not they would live forever, let alone to see the sun rise in the morning. Then again, they didn't used to be stuck in the middle of a war, fighting battles for a cause that was so much bigger than their twenty year old selves.

These are the thoughts that run through Sirius' mind as he lies in bed, sheets draped over a leg. He looks over at the spot next to him in the too big bed. It is empty. It's been empty for at least a week now. Sirius doesn't like that. He's never liked being alone, but he had thought he never _would_ have to be alone as long as they were together. That hasn't quite worked out how he thought it would.

"It's the bloody war," he whispers aloud in the darkness. He has to remind himself of that far too often. It's not Remus' _choice_ to be away from him for so long. It's his duty. He has missions like the rest of them. Missions that take him away. For days. Weeks. Once it was nearly a month.

Sirius rolls onto his side, the blanket slipping off of his leg, to look at the empty spot where Remus should be. He should be able to reach out and touch him, _feel_ him. But when he reaches over, his hand falls to the cool mattress. A soft sigh escapes his lips as he gazes into the darkness, searching for a face he knows isn't there. Maybe – just maybe – if he looks hard enough, he can see warm, brown eyes staring back at him, he can see a crooked smile that makes the skin around his eyes crinkle in delight. But he knows Remus isn't really there. He knows he _won't_ be there. Remus is hardly ever there anymore.

Sirius tries not to think about it. He really does. During the day he is able to find to things to distract himself with, usually things involving his motorbike. But at night, at night his mind wanders. At night he thinks. At night he misses Remus. He wonders if Remus misses him, too. He imagines Remus all alone, wishing to be back in their flat with Sirius' arms wrapped around him. Of course Sirius knows that Remus is probably too busy focusing on his mission to think about him. And that hurts. Because Remus is _always_ on his mind, _always_ lurking in his thoughts.

Somewhere outside of the small bedroom, Sirius thinks he hears a soft click as the door to their flat opens, but he knows he's imagining it. He knows he just wants Remus to be home so badly that his ears hear what he wants. It happens every night Remus isn't in bed beside him.

Rolling away from the empty space on the bed, Sirius curls in on himself. He does it every night as thoughts of Remus flood his mind. He can't help but wonder where he is. He can't help but wonder if he's safe. He can't help but wonder if he'll be home for the full moon this month; it's only a few days away. But Remus is hardly home for the full moons anymore. He claims he has missions, and Sirius usually believes him.

But then night falls and Sirius thinks. What if…?

Right now he refuses to let his mind wander there. He knows it's a dark place, a place he _never_ would have thought he'd allow himself to visit. But things are different now. It's not how it used to be. Nothing is. It used to just be laughter and friends, kisses and love. Now it's fighting and hatred and fear, survival but not living. It's different. Sirius knows it's different. And as he lies awake, yearning for Remus to just _come home already_, he can't stop the dread of the war from seeping into his thoughts. He can't stop the uncertainty and doubt and fear that it brings. He can't stop himself from wandering into the darker corners of his mind.

_What if?_

_What if Remus doesn't miss me?_

_What if he doesn't want me anymore? No, he does. Everyone does._

_But what if he's hurt?_

_What if he doesn't come back soon? I miss him._

_What if he doesn't come back at all?_

_What if he's dea—No. No, he's not._

_But what if he doesn't make it back for the full moon? Moony needs Padfoot._

_What if he ends up hurting himself then?_

_Where is he right now?_

_I want him home._

Another false click of the door draws Sirius from his thoughts. He just wants Remus home. He doesn't want to think anymore. He doesn't want to worry or doubt or even _fight _anymore. He just wants to hold Remus, to kiss him and be with him and forget about the war.

But Sirius knows that's impossible. Things are different now.


End file.
